You say "tom-ay-to", we say "tom-ah-to".

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
--Chelsea Handler

"You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded."
--Michael, 'The Office'

Boys are rotten, made out of cotton
Girls are dandy, made out of candy

The evolution of my feelings towards The Jonas Brothers
1) Who the fuck are The Jonas Brothers?
2) Who are these fruits? They're not even cute.
3) Ok, Nick is kind of cute.
4) Ok, they're all kind of cute.
5) Omg, I love this song!
6) Omg, I love them!

Eliza is learning a lot this summer, like the Atkins diet isn`t worth it.

Booty calls totally don`t count.

There's never a dress code if you're cute enough!

She's about my age, and her name is Cheryl, "spelled with a C-h." She actually told me that. Maybe she thinks I can't spell. She's from Oklahoma. I know how to spell that, too: h-i-c-k.

You say "or-eh-gano", we say "ore-gah-no". You say "tom-ay-to", we say "tom-ah-to". You say "erb", and we say "herb" because there's a fucking "h" at the beginning.

I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I just remembered, last night, Summer and I went to Wings and well, I have to admit we know how to use them boys. We had like $33 put together and we got the bill and it was $32 and we were like, shit! So we left the waitress like 50 cents and I wrote her a little poem:
Sorry about the tip
We may look like we're the shit,
but usually we have boys for this!