"I still love Vista, baby."

"Turkey is a 20 pound Yankee Candle."

--Julia Moskin

You are now aware that you can't say IRISH WRISTWATCH.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied, “I still love Vista, baby.”

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

This must be what praying is like.

"I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren’t pretty, or smart, or young. They’re still princesses. All of us. Didn’t your father ever tell you that? Didn’t he?"
--'A Little Princess'

"It was Wednesday when we met. Saturday by the time I asked her to move in. And by the time Sunday came, I had flowers in my apartment and hummus in my refrigerator. I remember waking up that Sunday; I don’t think I ever slept. I just sat there thinking, ‘Goddamn, this must be what praying is like.’"
--'The Hottest State'

Light from cake is such a great light. We should live in cake light.

"Eventually something you love is going to be taken away. And then you will fall to the floor crying. And then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “I am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn’t paint it very well and when you’re having sex with your next lover on this very floor they will also notice that you didn’t paint it very well and they will think less of you for it. And then you think, “Is that sentence too long?” and then you have to hold the contradictions of sobbing uncontrollably and wondering about grammar in your head at the same time."
--Richard Siken

Breaking up with someone is literally the most common thing. Everyone you know broke up with everyone they ever dated until maybe the person they’re with right now, if they’re with someone right now. But when it happens to you, it feels so specific.

Every morning, when I open my eyes, I think the same four thoughts:
1) I am not a superhero.
2) I have to go to work.
3) If I didn’t have to work, I could be a superhero.
4) If I were a superhero, I wouldn’t have to work.

"You shouldn’t buy me things. Save your money for unicorn rides or whatever it is girls spend money on."
--thingsmyboyfriendsays.com

"There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them."
--Vicki Baum

Also, I enjoy texting. Have you heard of it? You type stuff into your phone that you’ll regret later and the other person gets it instantly!

"I suppose I do get sad, but not for too long. I just look in the mirror and go, ‘What a fucking good-looking fuck you are.’ And then I brighten up."
--Liam Gallagher

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity."
--Albert Einstein

When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? And what do girls do if the growing old never comes? Are you just meant to go through life with no skin on like that, feeling everything?

My tiara is giving me a headache.

I'm like freakin' Cinderella whose fairy godmother never showed up.

Girl, you keep talkin', but you ain't sayin' nothin'.

My tiara is giving me a headache.

Explain to me again why I need a man.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

All quotes by comedian Demetri Martin

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were, you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ And D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’

Who is the real hero?

All quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree."

"I think that Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, 'Fuck it, cut 'em up.'"

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice.'"

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty."

"I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. 'Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?' 'Every now and then!' I got some swiss-air on that bite."

"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips."

"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"

"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, 'It's cool, he's with me.'"

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"You know how they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob,' but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch,' and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"

"I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, 'Try it with turkey and cheese.' 'Try it with peanut butter.' Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em - I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: 'Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz.' I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.'"

"When it comes to racism, some people say, 'I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green.' Ah, hold on now... purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating... then, help them!"

"I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say 'Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothing. It's just flat.'"

"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

"Xylophone is spelled with an X. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. 'Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-staring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And you will mark the spot. And you will incidentally start xylophone. Are you happy now?'"

"I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out."

"I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good, and we're just wasting time."

"Someone handed me a picture and said, 'This is a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' Where'd you get that camera man?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

You say "tom-ay-to", we say "tom-ah-to".

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
--Chelsea Handler

"You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded."
--Michael, 'The Office'

Boys are rotten, made out of cotton
Girls are dandy, made out of candy

The evolution of my feelings towards The Jonas Brothers
1) Who the fuck are The Jonas Brothers?
2) Who are these fruits? They're not even cute.
3) Ok, Nick is kind of cute.
4) Ok, they're all kind of cute.
5) Omg, I love this song!
6) Omg, I love them!

Eliza is learning a lot this summer, like the Atkins diet isn`t worth it.

Booty calls totally don`t count.

There's never a dress code if you're cute enough!

She's about my age, and her name is Cheryl, "spelled with a C-h." She actually told me that. Maybe she thinks I can't spell. She's from Oklahoma. I know how to spell that, too: h-i-c-k.

You say "or-eh-gano", we say "ore-gah-no". You say "tom-ay-to", we say "tom-ah-to". You say "erb", and we say "herb" because there's a fucking "h" at the beginning.

I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I just remembered, last night, Summer and I went to Wings and well, I have to admit we know how to use them boys. We had like $33 put together and we got the bill and it was $32 and we were like, shit! So we left the waitress like 50 cents and I wrote her a little poem:
Sorry about the tip
We may look like we're the shit,
but usually we have boys for this!

Would you like fries with that?

"Have you ever seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time..."

--Ellen DeGeneres

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"

--Jeff Foxxworthy

"Garbagemen come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again."

--Dave Attell

"LEGO has announced that they are shutting down thier U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somwhere else."

--Conan O'Brien

"You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before."

--Bob Hope

"I went to McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'"

--Jay Leno

"I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge."

--Caroline Rhea

"You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18. By the time you're 80, it's a picket fence."

--Robin Williams

"My problem is I belong to so many anonymous groups, everybody knows who I am."

--Nancy Redman

"If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

--Richard Jeni

"Did you know that Americans spent $48 million on lottery tickets last year? 'What are you doing for your retirement?' 'Uh.. Powerball.'"

--Wanda Sykes

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice."

--Bill Cosby

"Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing: two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt."

--Ant

"About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died. I got really depressed because it was like, Damn, I am less nurturing than a desert."

--Demetri Martin

"I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled up magazine."

--Will Shriner

"Don't touch that dial. And, if your tv has a dial, go buy a new one."

--Stephen Colbert

"When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates. The cashier was like, 'That will be ten pounds.' and I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'"

--Carol Leifer

Hey, this song is funky!

All quotes by comedian Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender...all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a fresher... I'm going on break.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky!"

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

And then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite into and miss.

Escalators can never be broken...they just become stairs. They should hang a sign, " Sorry for the convenience".

I got New Balance shoes on, but their old, so I keep falling.

I went to a doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck... never see Dr. Acula.

I seen a person selling beer, and it said it was ice cold. I hope not, because then it would be impossible to drink. I guess I can lick it.

I like the Fed Ex guy because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal.

A guy gave me a receipt for buying a donut. Why would I ever need a receipt for donut. There is no need to bring ink and paper into this. I give you the money, you give me the donut. I can't imagine ever needing a receipt for a donut. Maybe a skeptical friend. "Hey man you didn't have a donut." Oh yes i did, I have the receipt on file at home... under D for doughnut.

If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture. You can't be a slouchy fish, or you will become a fish clump. And they're never popular at parties.

Interests are quite free.

All quotes by comedian George Carlin

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

“When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."

"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."