Thursday, July 31, 2008

I swear we were infinite.

All quotes from 'The Perks of Being A Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky

I had an amazing feeling when I finally held the tape in my hand. I just thought to myself that in the palm of my hand, there was this one tape that had all these memories and feelings and great joy and sadness. Right there in the palm of my hand. And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean.

It was the way she said it that started me feeling.

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing old video games like donkey kong and feeling nostalgic, which as a general statement, I found sad and sweet.

And I was looking at the old photographs, I started thinking that there was a time when these weren't memories. That someone actually took that photograph.

It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you're happy, too.

The next thing I know, I was wearing nothing but slippers and a bathing suit which somebody had painted gold. I don't know how these things happen to me sometimes.

She really did look sad, and I wished I could have made her feel better, but sometimes, I guess you just can't.

And when she started becoming a "young lady," and no one was allowed to look at her because she thought she was fat. And how she really wasn't fat. And how she actually was very pretty. And how different her face looked when she realized boys thought she was pretty. And how different her face looked the first time she really liked a boy who was not a poster on her wall. And how her face looked when she realized she was in love with that boy.

Girls are weird, and I don't mean that offensively, I just can't put it any other way.

Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be, but it doesn't feel right.

Tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear.

It was a sick smile. Glazey and numb.

There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.

Her whisper smelled like cranberry juice and vodka.

It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can't feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them.

But the thing is, I wasn't being honest. So, why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?

I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy & sad & I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me.

I think it's nice for stars to do interveiws to make us think they are just like us, but to tell you the truth, I get the feeling that it's all a big lie. The problem is, I don't know who's lying.

Maybe it's sad that these are now memories. And maybe it's not sad.

The thing is some girls think they can actually change guys. And what's funny is that if they actually did change them, they'd get bored. They'd have no challenge left. You just have to give girls some time to think of a new way of doing things, that's all. Some of them will figure it out here. Some later. Some never.

And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

I think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl & thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is. And I think it's bad when the most honest way a boy can look at a girl is through a camera.

More like the movie where the guy meets a smart girl who wears a lot of sweaters & drinks cocoa. They talk about books & issues & kiss in the rain.

I am very interested & fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

The outside lights were on, & it was snowing & it looked like magic. Like we were somewhere else. Like we were somewhere better.

Everyone was quiet. A very sad quiet. But the amazing thing was that it wasn't a bad sad at all. It was just something that made everyone look around at each other & know that they were there.

And I think they knew. Not anything specific, really. They just knew. And I think that's all you can never ask from a friend.

It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.

I walked over the the hill where we used to go & sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps & having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great is sledding were always enough, but it isn't.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

It was vast & open & thinly quiet, & I felt so small.

It was a movie smile in slow motion & then everything was okay.

It's like looking at all the students & wondering who's had their heart broken that day, & how they are able to cope with having three quizzes & a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And why. Especially since I know that if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by somebody else, so why does it have to be so personal?

But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.

"Well, I think it's all bullshit." And he meant it. And it hurt to see him mean it that much.

It's just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially when you can't do anything except "be there." I want to make him stop hurting, but I can't.

All I really cared about was the fact that she got really hurt. And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.

Because I guess we all forget sometimes.

She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.

Nobody brought up the bad names or the bad times. And nobody felt sad as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia.

It's great that you can listen & be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there & put everybody's lives ahead of yours & think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. Like take their hands when a slow song comes up for a change. Or be the one who asks someone for a date. Or tell people what you need. Or what you want.

And we could all sit around & wonder & feel bad about each other & blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. And I did do that for a while, but then I just couldn't anymore because it wasn't going anywhere. Because it wasn't the point.

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

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