Thursday, August 21, 2008

Would you like fries with that?

"Have you ever seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time..."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"
--Jeff Foxxworthy

"Garbagemen come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again."
--Dave Attell

"LEGO has announced that they are shutting down thier U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somwhere else."
--Conan O'Brien

"You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before."
--Bob Hope

"I went to McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'"
--Jay Leno

"I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge."
--Caroline Rhea

"You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18. By the time you're 80, it's a picket fence."
--Robin Williams

"My problem is I belong to so many anonymous groups, everybody knows who I am."
--Nancy Redman

"If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
--Richard Jeni

"Did you know that Americans spent $48 million on lottery tickets last year? 'What are you doing for your retirement?' 'Uh.. Powerball.'"
--Wanda Sykes

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice."
--Bill Cosby

"Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing: two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt."

"About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died. I got really depressed because it was like, Damn, I am less nurturing than a desert."
--Demetri Martin

"I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled up magazine."
--Will Shriner

"Don't touch that dial. And, if your tv has a dial, go buy a new one."
--Stephen Colbert

"When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates. The cashier was like, 'That will be ten pounds.' and I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'"
--Carol Leifer

No comments: