"Have you ever seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time..."
"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"
"Garbagemen come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again."
"LEGO has announced that they are shutting down thier U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somwhere else."
"You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before."
"I went to McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'"
"I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge."
"You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18. By the time you're 80, it's a picket fence."
"My problem is I belong to so many anonymous groups, everybody knows who I am."
"If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
"Did you know that Americans spent $48 million on lottery tickets last year? 'What are you doing for your retirement?' 'Uh.. Powerball.'"
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice."
"Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing: two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt."
"About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died. I got really depressed because it was like, Damn, I am less nurturing than a desert."
"I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled up magazine."
"Don't touch that dial. And, if your tv has a dial, go buy a new one."
"When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates. The cashier was like, 'That will be ten pounds.' and I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'"