I secretly want all of you.

You laugh at my mishaps, I laugh at your cynicism. You kiss me, I push you away. You roll over, I secretly want all of you.

I’m ready to get excited about someone. I’m ready to fall for someone instead of being excited that someone is falling for me. I’m through with being flattered, I want to be swept away.

My head says “who cares?”. My heart says “you do, stupid”.

I am not going to fall in love. I'm not trying to be cynical; I'm not fishing for reassurance, or looking for someone to disagree with me. I just don't think it's going to happen. I don't think I'm capable of a relationship in the way other people are, and I don't think it's something that I should expect for myself, or try to fix. Call me a pessimist, call me angry and bitter and jaded, but sometimes I think that I am stronger for knowing this. Deep down, no matter how much I daydream and secretly hope that my life will suddenly turn a sharp corner, I'm very much aware that I am not normal. And sometimes, I think the sooner I can come to terms with this, the easier it will be to find fulfillment in other parts of my life, to have a purpose and passions that will complete the void others choose to fill with love. I don't think you have to know love to be happy. I know most of the world will disagree with me. But honestly, I don't think I'm any weaker or more scared than the people who think that you do.