Wednesday, October 20, 2010

goodbye blue sky

some nights are harder than others. sometimes you try to drive down the high way and get lost in the headlights. you try to avoid the feeling, you try to tell yourself that after the first few minutes it’s all just self-inflicted, right? but when you get home you know that all you can do is plug in your headphones and get lost in it. i’m lost in it right now. because in your front yard you told me i was pretty. and when i laughed in the dark, i could see you out the corner of my eye smiling at me. you forget to lie in all of the moments that could have helped you distance yourself from this. that was your first mistake. i shook on the sidewalk, maybe from the cheap beer, but maybe from the way you and your brothers all have the same eyes. i opened my palms up to you to show you light pink lines and plumes of smoke. i told myself that this is the worst kind of secret. but the worst secrets are the ones you keep the closest. it makes them misleading. it makes them feel safe when they’re not. these things are just so hard sometimes. it’s hard to give pieces of yourself to people and watch them walk away with them. because one day that season would be gone forever, and what would i have to remember it by? what do i have to remember you by? will you remember me? will you remember me in the warm red light of the cigarette you lit for me when i told you “i know this is going to end soon. i’m not afraid.” but i was, i am, i wasn’t ready yet. i’ve always been very good at appearing as though i am calm and composed when underneath it my thoughts are wild and burning. when the morning came i felt you on my neck. sometimes my guts would start to ache from the confines of this fog. sometimes i awoke and heard you singing my name and other words that i couldn’t make out down the hallway. you showed me the eye of mars. you told me how jupiter has a hurricane that circles the planet year round. when i left i didn’t tell you goodbye. i’ve never been very good at those. but i think you already know. please remember me. i know this will get buried beneath other things. and that’s okay, i’ll be okay. but when you hear goodbye blue sky by pink floyd i hope you think of me secretly. and this is a very dangerous secret. that makes everything we ever had deceiving. but it also keeps it safe in a way that the truth never would.

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