All quotes by comedian Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender...all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a fresher... I'm going on break.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky!"
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
And then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite into and miss.
Escalators can never be broken...they just become stairs. They should hang a sign, " Sorry for the convenience".
I got New Balance shoes on, but their old, so I keep falling.
I went to a doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck... never see Dr. Acula.
I seen a person selling beer, and it said it was ice cold. I hope not, because then it would be impossible to drink. I guess I can lick it.
I like the Fed Ex guy because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.
I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal.
A guy gave me a receipt for buying a donut. Why would I ever need a receipt for donut. There is no need to bring ink and paper into this. I give you the money, you give me the donut. I can't imagine ever needing a receipt for a donut. Maybe a skeptical friend. "Hey man you didn't have a donut." Oh yes i did, I have the receipt on file at home... under D for doughnut.
If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture. You can't be a slouchy fish, or you will become a fish clump. And they're never popular at parties.