All quotes by comedian George Carlin
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
“When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."
"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."