Sunday, August 10, 2008

I was so alone.

"We can't help it. We pretend we're happy with our lives, and when we see couples kissing in public places we make mock vomiting expressions, but we long for love. We believe in love. We sit in darken cinemas and watch Sleepless in Seattle and While You Were Sleeping with tears streaming down our faces. Even when we know they're all fuckers, we still hope for the one fucker who will rescue us from single life."
--Jane Green, 'Strait Talking'

"We don't see what we should see because having anyone is still supposedly better than being alone.”
--Laura Wiess, 'Such A Pretty Girl'

"When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death -- ourselves."
--Eda Leshan

"I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention."
--Augusten Burroughs, 'Running With Scissors'

I try three times, & am told over & over by a tiny voice that the person I am trying to reach is not available. I am beginning to think that single sentence is the story of my life.

Here's the thing about having a relationship: You can never look for it. It's like when you lose your keys, if you look for them, you'll never find them. You just have to wait for them to pop up under the couch or something. So I'm playing it as patient as I can. I'm not going to rush into having a relationship just because I'm lonely sometimes. I'm waiting for the right person.

You've gotten so caught up in being alone that you're afraid of what might happen if you actually find someone that can take you away from it.

"Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. Hallmark doesn't make a "Congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"
--Sex And The City

Sometimes when you look up at the stars sometimes they make you feel like you actually belong somewhere, sometimes they make you wonder about everything, and sometimes they make you feel small. Smaller than a speck of dust, just a gleam in the eyes of the world, barely even noticeable. It was one of those nights. I lay there in the grass, it was cold and I shivered as the blades brushed against my face. Nights like these made me wonder about everything. As I looked up at the sky I felt so stupid. I started thinking about how many people there are out there. How many people there are going through the same thing as I was. How many people had it so much worse than I did. And how, if all of that was true, how come I still felt like I was so alone. Why did I feel like there was nobody out there that could possibly be feeling the same as I did. And as I was thinking about this I was looking at billions of stars, and they all were shining. I realized that people are like the stars, everyone of them might be different, bigger, smaller, older younger, anything, but they all still shine. All the stars shine no matter what just like everyone hurts no matter how bad they have it... everyone hurts sometimes.

When I was nineteen and I didn't have a boyfriend, I never felt bad about it, because I figured someday I would. My friends and I had plenty of fun alone. What ruins the fun is the fear that you'll be that way forever.

As a girl, after all, you are taught to be fearful when you’re alone in the park or at the drugstore. You’re a target, you can be abducted, scooped up by any number of unforeseen dangers, molested, tortured, left for dead. But in a group, you are taught to feel stronger, like the sum of your parts.

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