Thursday, August 07, 2008

So why couldn't he just look at me?

All quotes from the TV show 'My So-Called Life'

This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received actual instructions on where to go and what to do.

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves.

It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

So I tried to be invisible. It's surprisingly possible.

Hatred can become like food. It gives you this energy. You can, like, live off it.

It's amazing the things you notice. Like the corner of his collar that was coming undone, like he was from a poor family and couldn't afford new shirts. That's all I could see. The whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric.

It's such a lie that you should do what's in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would come to a halt.

It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you? And, I mean, this whole thing with yearbook -- it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book, to supposedly remember what happened. Because if you made a book of what really happened, it'd be a really upsetting book.

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She slept in a lovely little cottage made of gingerbread and candy. She was always asleep. One morning she woke up and the candy had mold on it. Her father blew her a kiss and the house fell down. She realized she was lost. She found herself walking down a crowded street, but the people were made of paper, like paper dolls. She blew everyone a kiss good-bye and watched as they blew away.

I know in the past I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry 'till the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding, because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you wanna hate me, go ahead. If you wanna burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell. I'd go. If you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there.

It's like you think you're safe or something, 'cause you can just walk away, anytime, because you don't like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is, you're wrong.

There's something about Sunday night that really makes you want to kill yourself.

What I, like, dread is when people who know you in completely different ways end up in the same area. You have to develop this, like, combination you on the spot.

Love is when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside, to their soul and you both know, instantly. I always imagined I would fall in love, nursing a blind soldier. Who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I would have a love life. But, I don't even have a "like" life. 

My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it *was*, you're lucky to get out alive.

Huge events take place on this earth every day. Earthquakes, hurricanes, even glaciers move. So why couldn't he just look at me?

Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart.

It's so weird when you see someone you just dreamed about. Like it's gonna show.

People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough.

You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain? And it just keeps sounding stupider? And you have to say something else just to make it stop?

See, I had this dream last night, and he was wearing a towel, but it was like this really weird towel, made of like, Saltines, and it kept crumbling.

If Jordan Catalano is nearby, my whole body knows it. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind won't even know what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this.

There are so many things she wanted to say to him but never had. Like: You have the most amazing eyes. Please give me that hat you always wear. I think our souls are meant to be together. What kind of breath freshener is that? You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you.

He's always closing his eyes like it hurts to look at things.

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