Wednesday, August 06, 2008

It's the way we're built I suppose.

The more you live, the less you'll die.

What are you doing the rest of your life? North and South and East and West of your life? I have only one request of your life. That you spend it all with me.

There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite and moldering. It's the way we're built I suppose. A natural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below. Forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it wherever we can. As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad.

People say things like they'd never change something that's happened in their life because everything happens for a reason. That can't be true. There's at least one thing everyone puts in the back of their mind. When they think about it, I'll bet they cringe and remember the pain they felt. No one looks back on something heartbreaking and is fine with the fact that it happened. There's still that one tear that forms in your eye. It's there, whether it falls down your cheek or not.

It's kind of an amazing thing to be around for the moment your best friend becomes exactly what they've dreamt about their entire life.

But what I see is that everyone keeps changing, evolving, except for me. I lack courage. Not the kind of courage it takes to rescue a person from a burning building. Not adrenaline courage. But everyday courage, the kind that, once it’s added up, day after day, equals a happy life.

This is my new hobby. I watch my life depart minute by minute. I anticipate the end of everything and anything--a conversation, a class, track practice, darkness--only to be left with more clock-watching to take its place. I am continually waiting for something better that never comes. Maybe it would help if I knew what I wanted.

What's amazing is when you can actually feel your life going somewhere. Like it just figured out how to get good.

"You think maybe if you just work harder and faster you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you're changing a lightbulb with a five year life span and you realize how you'll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you'll be dead."
--Chuck Palahniuk

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