"Is that somebody's brain?" she asks. I look up at her, rolling her mouth and smiling down. I look at the map. It's not a brain, clearly; it's a map. Can't she see the rivers and highways and interchanges? But I see how it could look like a brain, like if all roads were twisted neurons, pulling your emotions from one place to another, bringing the city to life. A working brain is probably a lot like a map, where anybody can get from one place to another on the freeways. It's the nonworking brains that get blocked, that have dead ends, that are under construction like mine. "Yeah," I say, nodding up at her. "Yeah. That's exactly what it is. It's a brain."
Sunday, November 30, 2008
It's a brain.
No one is supposed to go through life that vulnerable.
“My first thought this morning was ‘I feel okay’. You know what I mean -- that moment before you remember who you are and what the actual facts of your life are? My first thought, in my gut, in my body, was ‘I feel okay’. I haven’t felt that in a long time. Usually, you know, I open my eyes and I already feel like shit. Like in my sleep I was feeling like shit, and waking up was just an extension of that, you know? But this morning, my first thought was ‘I feel okay’. As if my body wasn’t, you know, housing any more sadness.”
--Liz Tuccillo, 'How To Be Single'
“How do people do this?” she asked. “How do people keep putting themselves out there when they know they’re probably just going to get hurt? How can anyone deal with that much disappointment? It’s unnatural. We’re not supposed to go through life so exposed. That’s why people get married. Because no one is supposed to go through life that vulnerable. No one is supposed to be forced to meet so many strangers who end up making you feel bad!”
--Liz Tuccillo, 'How To Be Single'
I started thinking about my life, and about what is going on. And how I don't even know. How I have no idea what I should even be knowing at this point. I just know that maybe in a year or two, this will all clear up, and it will all make sense, and maybe even then the odds will be in my favor. Maybe I will have better luck, but for right now this is what I have. This is what life has given me, and I guess I just have to live. Just live.
When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, “The person I hoped I’d be by this point in my life."
--Liz Tuccillo, 'How To Be Single'
“How do people do this?” she asked. “How do people keep putting themselves out there when they know they’re probably just going to get hurt? How can anyone deal with that much disappointment? It’s unnatural. We’re not supposed to go through life so exposed. That’s why people get married. Because no one is supposed to go through life that vulnerable. No one is supposed to be forced to meet so many strangers who end up making you feel bad!”
--Liz Tuccillo, 'How To Be Single'
I started thinking about my life, and about what is going on. And how I don't even know. How I have no idea what I should even be knowing at this point. I just know that maybe in a year or two, this will all clear up, and it will all make sense, and maybe even then the odds will be in my favor. Maybe I will have better luck, but for right now this is what I have. This is what life has given me, and I guess I just have to live. Just live.
When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, “The person I hoped I’d be by this point in my life."
The whole wide world is mine.
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”
--Apple Inc.
You can be weighed down by every single person in your life, but it takes one person, whether it be someone you’re with, not with, or even a complete stranger you’ve had your eye on, to lift you off your feet with one breath.
"I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to write, act, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side."
--Audre Lorde
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots. The other is wings.”
--Hodding Carter Jr.
“Don’t tease me about my hobbies. I don’t tease you about being an asshole.”
--'Garden State'
“Fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
--Lemony Snicket
“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more wonders.”
--Andrew Harvey
"I love this part. When you look at someone and they don’t look away."
--'Brothers And Sisters'
"I love the way music inside a car makes you feel invisible; if you play the stereo at maximum volume, it’s almost like other people can’t see into your vehicle. It tints your windows, somehow."
--Chuck Klosterman, 'Killing Yourself To Live'
“And everyday I wake I tell myself another harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.”
--Angels and Airwaves
--Apple Inc.
You can be weighed down by every single person in your life, but it takes one person, whether it be someone you’re with, not with, or even a complete stranger you’ve had your eye on, to lift you off your feet with one breath.
"I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to write, act, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side."
--Audre Lorde
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots. The other is wings.”
--Hodding Carter Jr.
“Don’t tease me about my hobbies. I don’t tease you about being an asshole.”
--'Garden State'
“Fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
--Lemony Snicket
“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more wonders.”
--Andrew Harvey
"I love this part. When you look at someone and they don’t look away."
--'Brothers And Sisters'
"I love the way music inside a car makes you feel invisible; if you play the stereo at maximum volume, it’s almost like other people can’t see into your vehicle. It tints your windows, somehow."
--Chuck Klosterman, 'Killing Yourself To Live'
“And everyday I wake I tell myself another harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.”
--Angels and Airwaves
I don't know what to say.
And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.
They are just words, and they may not make sense to you, but they are my own. They belong to me, they are what I feel. They come straight from my heart.
I try to talk to you, but I don’t know what to say. I am afraid you don’t want me to say anything. So I don’t. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel -- like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too… but I’ll never know.
They are just words, and they may not make sense to you, but they are my own. They belong to me, they are what I feel. They come straight from my heart.
I try to talk to you, but I don’t know what to say. I am afraid you don’t want me to say anything. So I don’t. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel -- like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too… but I’ll never know.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Survival Poem #17
Because this is what you do. Get up. Blame the liquor for the heaviness. Call in late to work, go to the couch because the bed is too empty. Watch people scream about love on Jerry Springer, count the ways it could be worse. It could be last week when the missing got so big you wrote him a letter and sent it. It could be yesterday, no work to go to, whole day looming. It could be last month or the month before, when you still thought maybe. Still carried plans around with you like talismans. You could have kissed him last night. Could have gone home with him, given in, cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing. Shower. Remember your body. Water hotter than you can stand. Sit on the shower floor. The word devastated ringing the tub. Buildings collapsed into themselves. Ribs caving toward the spine. Recite the strongest poem you know. A spell against the lonely that gets you in crowds and on three hours' sleep. Wonder where the gods are now. Get up. Because death is not an alternative. Because this is what you do. Air like soup, move. Door, hallway, room, pants, socks, shoes. Sweater. Coat. Cold. Wish you were a bird. Remember you are not you, now. You are you a year from now. How does that woman walk? She is not sick or sad. Doesn't even remember today. Has been to Europe. What song is she humming? Now. Right now. That's it.
Hope dancing in stiletto heels.
I was your silver lining, but now I'm gold.
"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."
--Oscar Wilde
And when you jump up the earth wants you back.
A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.
Why do you do what you do? Is it to impress those around you? Your family? Your friends? Your lover? Do you do it to make money? To live in a nice house? To buy things that can't be scratched? Or do you do it because you love it. Because it lets you finish each day with a smile on your face and a thought in your mind.
"The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it’s you, and that you’re standing in the doorway."
--The Mountain Goats, 'Going to Georgia'
I just put on an act sometimes, and people think I'm insensitive. Really, it's like a kind of armour because I'm too sensitive. If there are two hundred people in a room and one of them doesn't like me, I've got to get out.
"But, like someone who walks alone in the dark, I decided to go slowly and to be so careful about everything that, even if I made very little progress, I would at least prevent myself from falling."
--Rene Descartes
The first few seconds everybody is looking around for someone else to step in and be the hero.
There are certain people in this universe that the stars literally move for. Most of these people don’t realize just how much conspiring goes on in the sky. But we do.
"Probably for every man there is at least one city that sooner or later turns into a girl. How well or how badly the man actually knew the girl doesn’t necessarily affect the transformation. She was there, and she was the whole city, and that’s that."
--J.D. Salinger, 'A Girl I Knew'
“Fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
--Lemony Snicket
Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."
--Oscar Wilde
And when you jump up the earth wants you back.
A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.
Why do you do what you do? Is it to impress those around you? Your family? Your friends? Your lover? Do you do it to make money? To live in a nice house? To buy things that can't be scratched? Or do you do it because you love it. Because it lets you finish each day with a smile on your face and a thought in your mind.
"The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it’s you, and that you’re standing in the doorway."
--The Mountain Goats, 'Going to Georgia'
I just put on an act sometimes, and people think I'm insensitive. Really, it's like a kind of armour because I'm too sensitive. If there are two hundred people in a room and one of them doesn't like me, I've got to get out.
"But, like someone who walks alone in the dark, I decided to go slowly and to be so careful about everything that, even if I made very little progress, I would at least prevent myself from falling."
--Rene Descartes
The first few seconds everybody is looking around for someone else to step in and be the hero.
There are certain people in this universe that the stars literally move for. Most of these people don’t realize just how much conspiring goes on in the sky. But we do.
"Probably for every man there is at least one city that sooner or later turns into a girl. How well or how badly the man actually knew the girl doesn’t necessarily affect the transformation. She was there, and she was the whole city, and that’s that."
--J.D. Salinger, 'A Girl I Knew'
“Fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
--Lemony Snicket
Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
Life is easy with you here.
I believe that life is wonderful and fleeting and worth documenting.
"I laughed and said, 'Life is easy'. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave it will be hard again."
--Miranda July, 'Ten True Things'
She sits there, staring straight ahead, her face immobile, frozen, like a mermaid trapped in ice. “It hurts,” she says. “What, your ankle?” “Being alive. It’s like walking on knives."
"I laughed and said, 'Life is easy'. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave it will be hard again."
--Miranda July, 'Ten True Things'
She sits there, staring straight ahead, her face immobile, frozen, like a mermaid trapped in ice. “It hurts,” she says. “What, your ankle?” “Being alive. It’s like walking on knives."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)